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About Photography / Hobbyist Scarlett18/Female/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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My consciousness was fading. Light and darkness blended together within my brain; dark rainbows and screaming faces blurred within my vision and the last face I was was yours; crying. Your mascara was smudged and running, your hair was lined with sweat and your black roots were showing. Your lipstick was red- rubbed away from tears and alcohol, you were screaming my name I think you were shaking my lifeless body awake. You were so beautiful.

I have always loved you since the day I fell off the swings in the park and you came over to laugh and help me up. The sky was overcast that day so it might have been my imagination or the darkness of the day but your eyes were the brightest shade of green I had ever seen.
It all felt like some poorly written teen movie where the boy gets the girl because he’s the best friend, no. I was just the boy who fell off the swings and scratched his knees in the process.
Your name was Lana like the singer, but your hair was shorter and auburn. You also couldn’t sing, as I found out standing next to you in the school choir.
“Shut up Jacob” you’d tell me as you nudged me, I’d only smile and say that I didn’t say anything when in fact I had giggled at your solo. I don’t think she ever forgave me after that.
I fell in love with the way you pulled at the strands of your hair and watch them cascade down onto the floor, smiling as you did so, as if it was some kind of therapeutic ritual. You’d only do this when we were sat on your bed, listening to The Smiths and some other indie shit that you liked. I sometimes feel like you’d watch 500 Days of Summer far too often but I’d never tell you this. I probably should have done; it might have made you laugh. I hated your laugh. It was loud and obnoxious: everything you never were.
You bit your fingernails which your mother hated; saying it wasn’t “lady like” and the matter needed to addressed by reminding you that “boys don’t find that attractive”. As if it was some sort of ancient prophecy or that it had been written in the stars that boys wouldn’t date you if you bit your nails. I guess that’s why all of this makes sense now.
You’d always buy your clothes at the “cooler” shops, despite the fact you couldn’t afford it. Some tops showed off your stomach, which I thought was cute and some jeans covered your belly which I thought was a complete waste of fabric. You’d go to school some days looking like you could have stepped out of a catalogue directly aimed at people wanted to look like they were cooler than everyone else. From your round tinted sunglasses, to your cut-off ripped jeans you were what people wrote Tumblr blogs about.

You told me your secret about what happened when you started to “hang out” with Catherine. I thought I was being really cool lying to you, so I could understand more about why Catherine was more important than I was. So I lied. You kept telling me your secrets and I kept nodding and agreeing saying that it was a good thing, pretending that Catherine was the saviour of all your problems.
 It saddens me to say it now, but I’m not gay, Lana. I just wanted to be closer to you and understand how you were feeling. I wanted to know why Catherine was cooler than I was; she listened to The Smiths too - I hated The Smiths.

Your mother didn’t know and I wasn’t the one to tell her, but she found out regardless. And that’s why I’m here tonight; staring at your broken tear-stained face trying to grasp onto my consciousness.

We drove away, tequila strong on your breath. You made this big plan about running away and taking me with you and I went along with it because you looked so lost with your big Bambi eyes and bitten down fingernails. The tequila bottle had been stolen from your mothers cabinet, I did question why a forty something year old woman had a big bottle of tequila in her personal liquor cabinet, but you were too happy and drunk to care to question anything.
The radio stations blared a remix of an old pop song and for some reason you knew all the words, screeching in the same tone as you did in your solo in the school choir. I didn’t laugh this time. I only stared at you and wondered how someone so beautiful and as pure as you were could be so broken.
You told me Catherine had “fixed” you, but I didn’t know that you needed fixing. You were perfect to me and I saw no flaws, which is possibly why Catherine was a better match for you now that I think about it. Also because she was a girl and I was not.
I saw you through rose tinted glasses and I loved you, but you were mean. You pushed people away, but I thought that was all because of your charm and underlining and secret fondness for me; I was wrong. You weren’t a bad person, you just did bad things. I understand this now. I’ve found that only death was the way I could fully recognise who you were as a person.
You crashed the car. I remember the car turning for what felt forever and your screams. I remember drifting and watching your beautiful face fade away like a burning photograph searing into my memories forever. I loved you, but it was never meant to be. I’m sorry for the car crash and the pain I caused you; I never meant to die. I wanted to watch you grow old and have a family… but in reality the most beautiful memory I have is your raw emotion on that night. You told me I couldn’t leave you but my fractured skull and bleeding brain were too much for even me. In the most platonic way possible you said you loved me, but I knew that your mean pretty face had already found enough love in Catherine to last a life time.
 My nirvana was seeing you as emotional as I was the day you first found me, crying after I’d fallen off the swings. You are so beautiful and I’m glad for all the happiness she brings you, I just wish it was me.

Goodbye my dear Lana, I love you and remember you forever.
Short piece I wrote tonight. I need to get back into writing again, I know it's not that great but I am trying to improve :)
edits by IfeellikeaKilljoy
i feel like i've grown up a lot this year, i met new friends, i experienced new things and i feel like im at a place right now where im happy
i met Frank Iero by IfeellikeaKilljoy
i met Frank Iero
12/11/14 at Leeds University, I saw Frank Iero and The Celebration and freaked out a lot


IfeellikeaKilljoy's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Photography
United Kingdom
So my name is Scarlett, like the colour. I am British, I like tea and Doctor Who, also my sneezes are weird and high-pitched.

Leedsfest 2011 was my first ever concert and my first ever mosh pit was the Bring Me The Horizon's 'Chelsea Smile'

Photography is my art. I can't paint or draw, but I love to write.

If I don't achieve my dream job of being a BBC television camera woman or producer or editor, I would like to write books.

I will admit that I am a great lover of music.

Relationship status: Taken. Happily :meow:

Life isn't about waiting for storms to pass; it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

Green Day icon 84 by queenseptienna


Current Residence: England, Narnia/IKEA
Favourite genre of music: Rock, Punk-Rock, Heavy-Metal, Pop-Rock
Favourite style of art: Anime and Horror
MP3 player of choice: iPod Classic
Shell of choice: Kupa Troopa
  • Mood: Happy
  • Listening to: My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark
  • Reading: An Abundance of Katherines
  • Watching: Supernatural
  • Drinking: White choca mocha

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Greendayfan457 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
happy birthday, Scarlett!!!
IfeellikeaKilljoy Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you aw
ThePenniesInMyShoes Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
heyyy thanks for the faves scarlett :)
IfeellikeaKilljoy Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
It's ok :)
Dearlybeloved-93 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy New yearzz
IfeellikeaKilljoy Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Dearlybeloved-93 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
haha, it's almost March!! XD
but thank you 
IfeellikeaKilljoy Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
m00nbutt Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Happy birthday. c:
IfeellikeaKilljoy Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you!
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